I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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