I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
