I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
