I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
