you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
