He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
