DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
