Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
this hospital has no fireball
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
