I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
