i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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