I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
