Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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