Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize