I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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