I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
