some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize