so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize