Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
