Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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