i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
