You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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