the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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