good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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