I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
