They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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