I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
