Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize