hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
