dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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