I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
