Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
