There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize