You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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