It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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