Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
