Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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