so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
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