ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
