he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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