Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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