I just threw up on my dentist
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize