I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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