I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The struggles of a small town man whore
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
