Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize