im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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