omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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