I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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