Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
