Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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