I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
