Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
