DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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