that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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