I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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