I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sext me about skeletons
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
