Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I faked an abortion last night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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