I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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