Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
