Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize