Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
