My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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