I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she smelled like a LAN party
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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