Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
