my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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