I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I need moral support for this bender
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
