do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
