someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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